nov. 21, 2014
Depression, coaxed out of useless worry – unreasonable claims and beliefs of inferiority, priority, blame, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, alienation, isolation, suffocation in the lives of those with luxury, grief, boredom, liminal states, poverty, religion, time, mediocrity, responsibility, illusion. It could be genetic, it could be repeating generations reacting the same to similar situations. Disheartening. Unsatisfaction – what is not decided? What is not uncovered, what is not recognized? Depression will take you there if you refuse to dig, if you refuse to look. An abundance of empathy? Maybe, more likely a narrow compromised view to all life. The toad lives, eats, and dies, changing those and the environment around him. There is no desire for wide spreading impactful change or alteration of other’s or his own consciousness, I pick it up, him or her, and feel no desire he may hold for death. Direction is confused, contorted through manipulation, without respect for the strength and truth of what is needed, wanted. The frog wants to sit on gold or marble or the warm dry stone but he has no indecisiveness to leave if hungry or to feed family and to spend so much time at the side of the colder swamp or river to catch the flies. I don’t want to only find food and relax. I have noticed progression and want to contribute, I am sitting in potential and will help it be put to use. Genuinely help, genuinely see, demonstrate what is possible and hatch surprises like a fertilized egg incubating under straw. This desire – this ambition does not leave the mind depressed, knowledgeknowledgeknowledge and yet no potential for content direction and now satisfaction is lost. Where has it all been placed? My sister… Why aren’t you happy? The idea that happiness is not important works until, maybe, there is an empathetic look on those without it, or you, your self, lost. A depression is natural – but to be desiring to leave? To leave the depression? Leave the circumstances. Leave the people, the situations, distance your self, alone or accompanied, strive forward – because moving backwards, staying still, mires you gradually or strips you away, and as an emergencic need to escape the answer is up, progress, move, so you may be able to view progression, because if feeling so urgently low you are clearly not content with the pile you are in, or have no under standing of the sediment piling on top of you. What causes your claustrophobic helplessness and desire to sink further? Can you answer the question of why you consciously recognize the cause, see the destruction and loathed path before you but continue to repeat painful and harming actions, refuse to take your eyes off the horrible unrealistic fantasy that you created… Why not center your self recklessly? Gain incredible experience before alarming all of the world, before living as one who has no desire to live, no understanding of method and effections, of happiness or adventure? That feeling you have recieved of satisfaction, direction, warmth, excitement is transmittable. Where does your depression take you? Do you think a person depressed is a natural necessity, the low of a valley among mountains? The rivers of the excesses and sheddings of those above into your nourishment, your private, fertile, low, lush valley, or below, a cave, a hole, an unescaped pocket of air with it’s opening revealed through erosion, an irregularity, a flaw in the massive structure, or a shining gem among stone, for none around you shine but for distance dreamed of as piles of gold, coloured value, lush vegetation, a humid green-ness? Find a group photo from forty or thirty years ago. Look at the faces, and decide how many of them may have felt similar, which look caught in their thoughts, past normal; there were many less people in existance then than now (unless the human population has dropped in which case my lamentation comes in the form of support.). There is no new depression – the new problems you face are not new. They are complications, methods, routes plagued by the worries and illnesses that have always been known, that have existed before any deeming of a problem, there could be a tough adaption, an irregular growth, due or not to space available around that would usually be compressing or vice versa or rare compositional mixture, or a lack of suitable traction, or a hostile environment combined against a delicate growth… it continues, but holds one idea that your sadness is a natural reaction to environmental attributes and a stimulus for growth.
Since when have you percieved any feeling or reaction you have as negative? Since they harboured painful or damaging results? Why lack the confidence or perceive your self as lacking the ability to achieve what you have before, or what you know you need, you see, you want for your life? I have known you and have seen you as a brave woman, taking what is desired and pointing that desire you have to tangible measures of ambitious success, soaring above those lacking in a strong spirit or soul of interest, of layers, each of yours containing depth and motion. Build that tower… the high freely moving tower of will, invisible but perceivable, driving ones to hundreds, and giving reign to the mind to take them further… Where did this come from, these pangs, these barriers, these waves of regret, this desire for retreat? Did you find it all, did you learn it all, did you see it as a child? Who left you that you feel so alone? I do believe you were not left. There was no major change, only the sudden and gradual gaining of knowledge and experience. Is that all this is – the depression after a very high period? I do not think so, because what have you to come down for? There is no gain for you here, only idleness, rejection of your new lessons. There is some where to go, there is a life you need to live, past the confines of your present. These confines are not enough to hold you – you built them, but every wall falls, and falls easier in heat and movement. Allow others to step with you and destroy those defences, see how useless is a method of prevention and protection against an offence which is unknown, likely not existing. You are clear…
Did you see it as inevitable,necessary, a knee-jerk reaction to those unsatisfactory situations you were in, even though they were clear to see through, even from the start? If it is not a true isolation but a relative one, an isolation in comparison, noticeable and shocking in it’s rapidity, can it be blamed? No, this isolation is a product of your retreat, a product of your inner calculations, dismissable until the final solution. And after the solution? The knowledge, trials, struggles are depth in your past, weight in the power and inertia of your direction. Now your position… do you see it? Do you recognize the moveable palace where you reside, with it’s veils, obstructions, distances and guards? You see now a great direction that lay in front… with the incredible potential, open and possible, building one moment by to an other, and an other, to the reflection of your efforts, desires, and conviction. Take it energetically to an advantage, with a passion for your love, fast or slow, not a fatal call of greed. Respect, stability – what do you choose to work towards, to live for? Your success will come, why not strive for satisfaction? If flames are burning your parts and causing pain, loss, anguish, crying, cool them, water them, love them, spread them, or live with them, who says you won’t survive burning in subjectivelycreated flames? In your lows you have opportunity – a retreat, a negatively regarded hermetic position, where you may spend a luxurious amount of time learning your important directions, your beliefs in progress, your reasons to apply effort, with an opportunistic view of your ability to return to a performing world, with re-enforced ideas and strength in foundations, the beauty and luxury of a temporary retreat, but recognition is based on consciousness – do you see past your new stark dwellings? So what will you do when you consciously, usefully, finally reach your conclusions of your lonely depression? Regard the futility of living with a new sense of purpose? Exit the cove of sand and sounds far away, that cove able to stay mired in sand, seemingly inescapable in it’s comfort of routine, regular nourishment, the kindred excuse of being trapped?
So now where would you like to go? Does life change, you can always return, you can always change, and on your built plateau you are afforded the awareness of opportunity to satisfy you, to continue building to access higher, or the descent in to what you deem fulfilling, you have the choices. Your lost freedom was a facade, you’ve made your decisions or aimed your self to filling parts of your life you find importance in, and you move forwards with a sense of what comes, based on what you have, what you want, and what you know. Those stuck become those who haven’t achieved your awareness, and their problems are slight in comparison with the speed and girth of what you have seen and known on earth. The veil, obstruction, distance, and the guard still exist, but you look forward with understanding, for you have stood under your problem and the reality of your life. You stand in your own world! Even through dark you find your pleasures, you stand unique in your creations and finds, your particular choices and knowings, actions, responses, thoughts. How many others know what you did, you know, do you want others to? How many lives have you created, unlived or not, and though you hadn’t planned on this descent, you can use it as it appears as a reflection of your desires, a close uninterrupted study of where you have been taking your self. Recognition of problems, of weakness, of delusions, of beliefs, do you want this? What is it’s worth? Your recognition serves no purpose with no desire, a forward movement.. enriching is subjectively important, offering reason, goals, pleasure, depth, motive, but not method, skill, clarity, direction. What do you want first? A compass, your life’s North Star, a guiding constellation? Or do you want the big reason, the enlightening, the awakened knowledge of self? In your narrow pursuits, one will shine first.
Look into my eyes… are you ok? The past period of time has shown you low, for no reason. Where did you go… how did you get there? Were you pushed, or guided? Were you hiding, was it a refuge from violence? A discovery you made and explored, or can I venture – were you dealing with low findings, drugs, weak or harmful supports that put you in places of narrow desires and conversations centered in sinking, betrayal and failure, weakness. These places offer no good, except a clarity only achieved by escape – a melancholic realization of purpose, regret, lost passion and your new struggle to re-achieve. Is this not reason enough to stay in a relative purity? The opinions and thoughts on the potential negative effects of following instincts of declination? For your self realize – see what you are doing, what you have done and stay clear through the movements of the tide.
Riley S J B I