What Depression Is And How You Feel It

nov. 21, 2014

Depression, coaxed out of useless worry – unreasonable claims and beliefs of inferiority, priority, blame, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, alienation, isolation, suffocation in the lives of those with luxury, grief, boredom, liminal states, poverty, religion, time, mediocrity, responsibility, illusion. It could be genetic, it could be repeating generations reacting the same to similar situations. Disheartening. Unsatisfaction – what is not decided? What is not uncovered, what is not recognized? Depression will take you there if you refuse to dig, if you refuse to look. An abundance of empathy? Maybe, more likely a narrow compromised view to all life. The toad lives, eats, and dies, changing those and the environment around him. There is no desire for wide spreading impactful change or alteration of other’s or his own consciousness, I pick it up, him or her, and feel no desire he may hold for death. Direction is confused, contorted through manipulation, without respect for the strength and truth of what is needed, wanted. The frog wants to sit on gold or marble or the warm dry stone but he has no indecisiveness to leave if hungry or to feed family and to spend so much time at the side of the colder swamp or river to catch the flies. I don’t want to only find food and relax. I have noticed progression and want to contribute, I am sitting in potential and will help it be put to use. Genuinely help, genuinely see, demonstrate what is possible and hatch surprises like a fertilized egg incubating under straw. This desire – this ambition does not leave the mind depressed, knowledgeknowledgeknowledge and yet no potential for content direction and now satisfaction is lost. Where has it all been placed? My sister… Why aren’t you happy? The idea that happiness is not important works until, maybe, there is an empathetic look on those without it, or you, your self, lost. A depression is natural – but to be desiring to leave? To leave the depression? Leave the circumstances. Leave the people, the situations, distance your self, alone or accompanied, strive forward – because moving backwards, staying still, mires you gradually or strips you away, and as an emergencic need to escape the answer is up, progress, move, so you may be able to view progression, because if feeling so urgently low you are clearly not content with the pile you are in, or have no under standing of the sediment piling on top of you. What causes your claustrophobic helplessness and desire to sink further? Can you answer the question of why you consciously recognize the cause, see the destruction and loathed path before you but continue to repeat painful and harming actions, refuse to take your eyes off the horrible unrealistic fantasy that you created… Why not center your self recklessly? Gain incredible experience before alarming all of the world, before living as one who has no desire to live, no understanding of method and effections, of happiness or adventure? That feeling you have recieved of satisfaction, direction, warmth, excitement is transmittable. Where does your depression take you? Do you think a person depressed is a natural necessity, the low of a valley among mountains? The rivers of the excesses and sheddings of those above into your nourishment, your private, fertile, low, lush valley, or below, a cave, a hole, an unescaped pocket of air with it’s opening revealed through erosion, an irregularity, a flaw in the massive structure, or a shining gem among stone, for none around you shine but for distance dreamed of as piles of gold, coloured value, lush vegetation, a humid green-ness? Find a group photo from forty or thirty years ago. Look at the faces, and decide how many of them may have felt similar, which look caught in their thoughts, past normal; there were many less people in existance then than now (unless the human population has dropped in which case my lamentation comes in the form of support.). There is no new depression – the new problems you face are not new. They are complications, methods, routes plagued by the worries and illnesses that have always been known, that have existed before any deeming of a problem, there could be a tough adaption, an irregular growth, due or not to space available around that would usually be compressing or vice versa or rare compositional mixture, or a lack of suitable traction, or a hostile environment combined against a delicate growth… it continues, but holds one idea that your sadness is a natural reaction to environmental attributes and a stimulus for growth.

Since when have you percieved any feeling or reaction you have as negative? Since they harboured painful or damaging results? Why lack the confidence or perceive your self as lacking the ability to achieve what you have before, or what you know you need, you see, you want for your life? I have known you and have seen you as a brave woman, taking what is desired and pointing that desire you have to tangible measures of ambitious success, soaring above those lacking in a strong spirit or soul of interest, of layers, each of yours containing depth and motion. Build that tower… the high freely moving tower of will, invisible but perceivable, driving ones to hundreds, and giving reign to the mind to take them further… Where did this come from, these pangs, these barriers, these waves of regret, this desire for retreat? Did you find it all, did you learn it all, did you see it as a child? Who left you that you feel so alone? I do believe you were not left. There was no major change, only the sudden and gradual gaining of knowledge and experience. Is that all this is – the depression after a very high period? I do not think so, because what have you to come down for? There is no gain for you here, only idleness, rejection of your new lessons. There is some where to go, there is a life you need to live, past the confines of your present. These confines are not enough to hold you – you built them, but every wall falls, and falls easier in heat and movement. Allow others to step with you and destroy those defences, see how useless is a method of prevention and protection against an offence which is unknown, likely not existing. You are clear…

Did you see it as inevitable,necessary, a knee-jerk reaction to those unsatisfactory situations you were in, even though they were clear to see through, even from the start? If it is not a true isolation but a relative one, an isolation in comparison, noticeable and shocking in it’s rapidity, can it be blamed? No, this isolation is a product of your retreat, a product of your inner calculations, dismissable until the final solution. And after the solution? The knowledge, trials, struggles are depth in your past, weight in the power and inertia of your direction. Now your position… do you see it? Do you recognize the moveable palace where you reside, with it’s veils, obstructions, distances and guards? You see now a great direction that lay in front… with the incredible potential, open and possible, building one moment by to an other, and an other, to the reflection of your efforts, desires, and conviction. Take it energetically to an advantage, with a passion for your love, fast or slow, not a fatal call of greed. Respect, stability – what do you choose to work towards, to live for? Your success will come, why not strive for satisfaction? If flames are burning your parts and causing pain, loss, anguish, crying, cool them, water them, love them, spread them, or live with them, who says you won’t survive burning in subjectivelycreated flames? In your lows you have opportunity – a retreat, a negatively regarded hermetic position, where you may spend a luxurious amount of time learning your important directions, your beliefs in progress, your reasons to apply effort, with an opportunistic view of your ability to return to a performing world, with re-enforced ideas and strength in foundations, the beauty and luxury of a temporary retreat, but recognition is based on consciousness – do you see past your new stark dwellings? So what will you do when you consciously, usefully, finally reach your conclusions of your lonely depression? Regard the futility of living with a new sense of purpose? Exit the cove of sand and sounds far away, that cove able to stay mired in sand, seemingly inescapable in it’s comfort of routine, regular nourishment, the kindred excuse of being trapped?

So now where would you like to go? Does life change, you can always return, you can always change, and on your built plateau you are afforded the awareness of opportunity to satisfy you, to continue building to access higher, or the descent in to what you deem fulfilling, you have the choices. Your lost freedom was a facade, you’ve made your decisions or aimed your self to filling parts of your life you find importance in, and you move forwards with a sense of what comes, based on what you have, what you want, and what you know. Those stuck become those who haven’t achieved your awareness, and their problems are slight in comparison with the speed and girth of what you have seen and known on earth. The veil, obstruction, distance, and the guard still exist, but you look forward with understanding, for you have stood under your problem and the reality of your life. You stand in your own world! Even through dark you find your pleasures, you stand unique in your creations and finds, your particular choices and knowings, actions, responses, thoughts. How many others know what you did, you know, do you want others to? How many lives have you created, unlived or not, and though you hadn’t planned on this descent, you can use it as it appears as a reflection of your desires, a close uninterrupted study of where you have been taking your self. Recognition of problems, of weakness, of delusions, of beliefs, do you want this? What is it’s worth? Your recognition serves no purpose with no desire, a forward movement.. enriching is subjectively important, offering reason, goals, pleasure, depth, motive, but not method, skill, clarity, direction. What do you want first? A compass, your life’s North Star, a guiding constellation? Or do you want the big reason, the enlightening, the awakened knowledge of self? In your narrow pursuits, one will shine first.

Look into my eyes… are you ok? The past period of time has shown you low, for no reason. Where did you go… how did you get there? Were you pushed, or guided? Were you hiding, was it a refuge from violence? A discovery you made and explored, or can I venture – were you dealing with low findings, drugs, weak or harmful supports that put you in places of narrow desires and conversations centered in sinking, betrayal and failure, weakness. These places offer no good, except a clarity only achieved by escape – a melancholic realization of purpose, regret, lost passion and your new struggle to re-achieve. Is this not reason enough to stay in a relative purity? The opinions and thoughts on the potential negative effects of following instincts of declination? For your self realize – see what you are doing, what you have done and stay clear through the movements of the tide.

Riley S J B I

Here is a man

Conceptions, confusion, misgivings abound…

What is the man who has endured a lifetime of drink?

Here he exists, not as a conception or theory, but in physical form. Still with the dignity to wash, comb, and style his hair —parted and slicked back. With the vital energy of his eyes long extinguished, he nervously examines my presence. It is obvious that this man was quite attractive before life, without restraint, demonstrated its erosive potential.

He is introduced to me, but simply can’t look me in the eye, or even acknowledge my presence. This, it seems, stems not from callousness or an obnoxious disposition, but from having basic social graces ground down and extricated. They had to go, or over the years, his capacity for survival would be limited.

Perhaps I remind him of what he used to be, before his faculties cruelly and calculatingly dissipated in to nothing. He has been sober for three days, and his hands shake with the frenetic consistency of a pneumatic tool.

The likelihood, it is said, of him attaining any enduring amount of sobriety is slight. His biology has morphed to accept and even embrace the regular intake of alcohol. His physiology and psychology are damaged. For us all life proceeds one day at a time, but his decline, from this point forward will be rapid.

What are his chances? What are the odds that he overcomes his current state of affairs, attains measured sobriety, and leads a life that the majority could ascribe value to? What will it require for those passing him on the street to transition from dismissive glares to a form of eye contact that indicates respect?

What do the experts, psychologists, and myriad ‘professionals’ claim is his problem? What is the origin of his affliction? Does he suffer from an illness, a disease, or just a defunct willpower mechanism? Has it been a choice up until this point, and does he have options? With what amount of purpose and direction has this man exercised over his life? What has been the corroding thread of his near linear decline?

This man, and many others like him, our symbolic of our current age, but instead of illuminating, discussing, and diagnosing these symbols we have generated a variety of explanations to dismiss and rationalize them.

The Chances That Glory Creates

Glory doesn’t exist in death, this is an illusion sold by many to further aims, or a misconception believed for an imagined increase in life’s value. It is a personal experience, many  times the situations leading to death are a result and relation to will and the opinions held of motives add the ideas of worth which shade the minds of the dying, the saved, the killer, the killed, this romantization acts as a veil through which life is fair, unjust, through which worth is guaged and what is looked through or what covers the land where decision is made. So what is it when one dies, if there is no glory, no praise in the after? It is the decision, or it is the action, or it is the knowledge, or it is the manipulation that convinces pulls and directs us to sacrifice, destruction,survival, apathy, and where is the Glory? Why do they want it? Die doing what is lived and there is no room for negative or positive, only the bodies of those who are living and those dead, until they all disappear to be used again. The memories of those who died are great and give opportunity to debate what is life, but they don’t have the bodies that we crave to hold dear, they offer only guidance and chances, realization and emotion. Their death is a physical continuation of their life. Where came the idea of nobility in dying, in new purpose, in redemption of an unworthy life, in a glorious sacrifice, an honourable passing? Just like other existances death can be filled with emotion, have had purpose, intent, can send waves of impact just as a confession, can be meaningless, spiteful, un-noticeable… Does it matter? By attempting change or sacrafice you die, you kill, you make reason existance. “It’s not you but who you leave behind” the middle aged man said. What goes with that life? Your relationships, fast, known or not, strong or weak, they end but it is true: the repurcussions will not be felt by you. So there is no choice idealistically but you may recognize the impact even after an unconscious series of one’s final moments. You may die in peace, a passing not of bloody action, but expected, gentle, and then as you walked by a tree you were gone, no more personality, no laughing, but a content passing or being eaten to pass away the body, and disperse energy… So what is all the pining for an important death for? It could be said that your death is a reflection of your life, if you hold those ideas. It could be said that death is the continuation of other death, if you hold those ideas. Where are those who say that unconscious is superior to conscious? That presence is the only existance? They are dying and it is curious to see the impact of their death. I want to show you what I think, and I want to learn about what you think. Move upwards for an expansive vision, be superior in mind or physically, untouchable to the available inventions and give new reason for further thought, reaching, combinations, you should have no fear as you run the wind alongside and increasingly closer to death. Make no decisions… there is no reason for choice when life throws it’s opportunities at you based on such seemingly trifle actions such as thoughts, desire, lifestyle, physical necessities. When the goal is known, the means are available. Who told you death is special? Forget living after you are dead, those ideas will do not much more than decrease the impact you have the potential to create, live strongly so that you may be able to feel better those lower, do not satisfy your mind with an idea of the dead conscious, live their worthy ideas and love to improve where we all are. The glory is sexual, it is copulation, it is the creation, the passing and teaching in a multiplying and connected area of persons, why focus on where your animal leads you? Why worry about passions and giving in, succumbing and melting through the heat of angels you give of, you are still searching for a continuous place to die. Where are your points? Where are those locations, those reasons which you may use to anchor, to swim to, to see, to put your self on course for, that primary goal you may use to encounter change, meet those alto opportunities you count on? Who cares what you see… you are the only one who understands it in the way you do, or who can appreciate the impact it may have on you, or influence you, or lead to changes that seem obvious in the front of your mind. Discover, discover, discover, set traps to increase the quality of life by way of ambition, give to those people, ideas, communities, realms you imagine and believe in, knowing them as worthy of your time and efforts. Take from those of before and after that you respect, watch the benefits pile before in elements of love, success, knowledge and comfort – don’t forget but be willing to sacrifice. The end is known, the end is made… In the middle make life better, as there is a dynamic unknown that contributions improve, greater, and it begs for stimulation. What is that behind the desire for recognition? The desire to move, to innovate, to stand under and stand over, the personal recognition of limits and possibilities, reaching and broadening.


The Stars, April 2014

The stars, if not universal, are and have been important to those of us that are able to think here on planet earth. It does not take an indepth scientific knowledge to appreciate in a simple manner the stars, though a more knowledgable view could lead to appreciation and understanding in a new way, but it has been evident through history that people have appreciated them for different reasons and that is no less correct now. The importance of stars, constellations, the moon cannot be undervalued in this generation, people having a tendency to cast eyes down on their own era, but though new knowledge has opened doors to interpret them in different ways, it is the traditional, simple and not time-tempered method of appreciation which is most important – that of recognition. Though those who enable greater views through study of skies, through astrology, cartology, cadastrology or astronomy and its ability to give us insight into the creation of our universe gives us the ability to travel farther in all meanings of those words, right now I am interested in the simple recognition felt by those doing the travelling, making the tangible changes we appreciate at all times unless one is one who rejects progress, a disgusting ape whose purpose is to have us question the morality and reason behind technology and exploration. The stars offer a familiar unknown that knowledge will not change, for it is the familiarity which draws comfort, not the mystery. One who explores the whole world, crossing cultures and many kinds of boundaries will look and find stars and the skies a constant, and a constant reminder of the relative unimportance of earth. It is cliché but for good reason that the stars are home to many, the many including explorers, those wandering without love, those working and living through travel and the love, conscious or not, for the skies, is universal in that it has preference to or by noone- it crosses culture, beliefs, status and style, never stopping its amazing rotations. If you dont believe me then take a look at the stars, at the moon, now or whenever it is possible. If you think I am wrong I would not like to change your point of view, but when you look at them is there no feeling of familiarity? No substance inside that directs you to hold a healthy desire for these orbs, flashing and full, and the flat seeming disc which generously lights the leaves and rocks where you walk? That is a very romantic way of putting it, but there requires no evidence to show yourself what you feel for the stars. Without this initial appreciation we would have no knowledge, no progression, an existance which at this time does not exist.

What else would I be able to compare this familiar appreciation of the stars with? They are not possible to be interacted with, they stimulate (directly) only one of the five sense, they have presumably been around longer than earth and will likely remain afterwards. Though it is tempting to compare the skies with local plants, flowers one has become accustomed to, the comparison is not apt enough. I hate to do it, but I find them best compared with religion, with the religious views of GOD. For defense, this isn’t implying an existance or non-existance of a God, that fact is irrelevant. It is the same response for the stars, the familiar distant desire, as those who feel for god feel god. Anyways, it can be seen clear as day the effect stars have on culture and society, and though they are not exactly worshipped, they are appreciated by those high and low. Perhaps a comparison is not necessary- though one might exist, is it it really raising the value of the stars to compare them? (! Note at bottom of this page says: like a mosquito trying to suck blood out of a rock) Is it possible to raise or lower the value of the stars? The only people unable to appreciate the stars and skies are those with their freedom stripped away, those without sight, and those without will. If you have not been chained under a roof and can see, what is there to stop you from looking, giving that part some call soul a drink? If you find yourself wandering, or in any case under the stars, try looking up, try recognizing something. It has always been a sign of submission to cast your eyes downward, so why not put them up? Take whatever you like and understand what is there to be understood, if you can, and take pleasure out of that which you cannot control. There is nothing in life that has not happened and passed, so trust that what comes will benefit you, will make you stronger, will help you see your own goals and those of the large panorama. But of course there are new ideas, new concepts, new technology that builds off of previous and now we can fly- but it is saying that new has been ushered before and always will, so you might be best off understanding and moving with the new, unless a legacy of extinction is your goal. How is it, now we can fly? Man’s greatest wish for generations and more is true. The act of looking to the skies and seeing humans is new and for many the novelty is gone, it is a logically sound, supported and efficient way to travel. Why Not? It brought us one step closer to the stars, the up, where clearly by now we even have exponentially surpassed levels towards them. What is there to complain about when we go forward? If there has ever been a time to look at stars and determine how they have impacted us, where our appreciation for them will take us, what they mean to you personally, now might be it. Do you work in a field where an appreciation or understanding for the stars benefits you? Have you generally noticed them through your life? Don’t take them for granted, it was the stars that led to human flight. This view is constructive, not destructive: in at least seeing the impact the stars have made on us as society, as humans or deeper, personally, it encourages forward growth along the same path, or in an other way encourages a rebellion against it, with attempts to ground, to stabilize, which adds only an opportunity for the general forward motion to surpass this obstacle, giving an opportunity to experience higher velocity and the uncovering, the violent stripping away of the coverings which lay above innovation. How deep do you want to go? Do you want to stay at the surface, accepting whatever is thrown your way, being easily influenced by those below you as well as by phenomena above and around you? Or would you like, do you have to be deep, accepting scraps, needing to take full advantage of every opportunity, which come more rarely, understanding the basic necessity and method of survival better than many, to be under greater pressure? Many have no choice, and many more are not even aware of it, of their choice or their apparant position. But this position, be it mental, physical, societal, or any ordered and rankable group, affects, directly influences and changes the way you recieve information and communication through the senses, the particulars you recieve, and also what you do with what is incoming to you. Stars are a good example of this- those that are deeper, in darker territory, will see the stars differently than those on the surface, and though this is not concrete fact, it can be generally seen those deeper will catch dimmer, more obscure visions of estrellas and largely of those that shine most prominently in the sky, and this perhaps lends a more mysterious, possibly more sacred view of them, because they are all the more seemingly unchangeable, requiring undeceptively more effort to reach than for those on the surface, and considerably more effort to understand. Without praising, those at deeper levels will have more hardness in their lives- harder truths, harder fallacies, harder shells to penetrate. On comparison, those on the surface see the stars often, see the stars in constant multitudes, watch and gain understanding of progression through watching others’ regular attempts to become closer to the stars. So if the stars are and have been this important, why aren’t they talked of more? Why isn’t the love of a mother for her child common in speech, or the topic of insticts? It doesn’t really matter, for if you know what you know, and you understand which is right, then what matters is that you hold on to this knowledge and act according to it. The past gives one piece of advice: keep moving forward, which applied in any situation will keep you at the minimum in the running for a good life. Insecurity should not slow you down, whether you are facing someone who is or experiencing it yourself, and the only way to deal with one of a negative view is to keep moving forward, understanding what you are doing to keep the current in your direction. Understand yourself and you understand the world, aren’t those famous words? Understanding isn’t necessary but it is useful, familiarity and recognition likely to serve better in the long run. Treat your life like you treat stars – see what it has to offer and respect it for holding much, much of which you will never know. Know the stars will eventually reach their destination, be it destruction or life, and that your instincts are to be trusted to explain any decisions or obstructions you face. The cleanest water can at the wrong time slow the current, so watch for signs and never hesitate to alter direction or speed if the fear is for the wrong path. The easiest way to arrive at the right place is through work and patience, determination and instinct, direction and confidence. If it is just stepping outside for a cigarette or the long end of a journey, it doesn’t matter the situation, take a moment you have to see the stars. They’ll be there after you die and they will be there long after your problems are resolved, whether they fade or explode, so it bears no harm to notice the stars, and notice they also shine in the eyes of many in the rest of our world, in different lifestyles, different hopes and levels of recognition, technology, or quality, of person or of life. Frame it differently and the stars will be there when you are alive and when you die, so in a funny way it might be worth it to give them a time of value to watch. That idea with forward motion will keep the perspective of life proper, with the stars being more than objects to look at.

5580 between directions

Anti-Criticism of Work – Lauding Your Achievements

So many people don’t know which way they’re working to… every day slogging and working, asking, deciding, so much productivity and so little results. I don’t want to criticize the shovel or the benefits of work, nor whether work is natural, joyful, or necessary… I only want to suggest a streamline for good life choices, ambition, and tangible results. Work is good. Keep on going with effort, but be aware of the direction, the impact, the purpose. There are so many reasons, so many ways, to work! So many reasons, and so many pits and spider’s webs… why do you do the work that you do? To give a living to some one or group, like a family, or a living for your self, do you feel strongly about a goal, an achievement, a process, working to uncover an area based on impulse, curiosity, a passion for these results, or it may be for ambiguous tradition, either working with what was given to you, fully or partially complete, or a confusion with the idea of responsibility. To say it is important to have an idea where and why you are going is not to dismiss the importance of the pure journey – but with no proper instinct the journey is futile. But who will differentiate – what you call a goal and what some other calls stepping stone make no change to what has or will pass and are the same once reduced, your own desire of why it was done is what counts. Forget the criticisms of the unaware, those calling to you as one who will fall flat are those who will fall before you, and regardless of their achievements they will feel pain during that fall. Why not go for what you love… if you can know that and go in that direction honestly, generously, you will never have a problem not based on natural rhythms of life. All worrying, suffering paranoia and what you may know as bad karma, these and none of the other effects of living a criminal or untrue life will affect you. Should criminal be re-defined? It’s obvious to see many known as a criminal living and giving in a fuller and more generous way than the large (and growing) population, and just look at how the term criminal varies in qualifications even across so little as a political boundary, think that you may not want a man killed for acting gay or for using the wrong language, or loving one of a different race. Some criminal acts, or work, fly under the radar of acceptability and appreciation, such as lower class uprising or violent rebuttals to power, or using avilable resources to combat what is destructive for selfish benefit, such as a physical force against the power of mobilization and soft rationale. But don’t go kissing purse thieves, many of this world’s population would do worse than you would assume. To re-define criminal is only meant to increase the awareness and spectrum of what work is; an effort applied sounds simple enough. An Effort Applied to any means or benefactor, regardless of fruits, productivity, intention or method could be labelled as work, and the definition should not be limited because many stray in all of the above yet the effort is applied so an impact is created, no matter size nor scale, demonstrated when a rock is thrown into a small pond, compared to a rock thrown into an ocean – similar size, distance in scale. Don’t give up your efforts when faced with an ocean – many achieve incredible results by traversing the ocean, rather than attempting only to cause ripples. Take the fish! Survive off of it, and achieve your goals while benefitting through the ocean’s scale. Now, do you work properly? Do you work with aims, with results? I don’t respect your private enlightenment, I respect an energetic trade or offering or action. Don’t fear any measure of rejection, every person, existance causes and contributes those energetic courses mentioned… the squirrel fares and gives as well as the rock. Where you go might be different… does the rock have the ability to reach for many, influence lives for the better, change it’s self wilfully as sacrafice for one better… it might, and it could definitely appreciate in these efforts as one sees it’s potential and positives and decides or feels the need to blow them up, release them propulsed by their own forces, their own traits. What have you done, that you loved? People speak of it, it is neglected, a disposable thought, a disposable conversation. Do it! Do what you could ever do. Appreciation in all you do, see, know, think, is a true symbol of an understandable Love.


It was bright and fun and stimulating – for most it still is, but targeted, sentient, hindsight destroys it, and replaces this sensory fulfillment with a noxious feeling of having been used and controlled. Now, I wondered what was going on now with the other participants, few of which I had been able to get to know well.

I mean it was always bright there, and was always on, and the luminosity with which it appeared and the ardor with which it persevered would catch and sustain anyone’s attention. What I mean is other places are bright and always open but do not dwell within your cerebral centerfold like this place. Those places do not dwell there because they do not provide a holistic solution to that which is universarily coveted. We may not all know what we need as humans, but it knows and adeptly provides it, but in a form that is flaccid, short-term, inconsequential, and ultimately destructive.

The others acted differently there. They behaved there like one would expect them to behave a more natural setting. There was intimacy, communion, and vast emotional expression. Strangers conversed and temporary unions were forged, but nothing birthed here would endure.


Because you know it is always on you begin to develop a sensory obligation to the place. Balance via the segmented life is soon lost. Here pleasure and sensation are derived quickly and without fail, and soon outweigh the value of basic, relatively pallid, yet life-sustaining endeavor. Soon being alone becomes challenging, soon so too does focus.  Moments of time removed from this place are spent preparing for the highly anticipated return, and in substance the two of you, the setting and the person, form one, and you emulate it, so in time it can mimic you. Irrelevancy has been equalized across mediums.

Sitting quietly becomes a near impossibility, and no tactic assuages the angst you harbor.


Moral obligations…what the fuck are those?


Civic duties cease to weigh, even lightly, upon the consciousness. Everything else is swathed in a patina of futility.

For them it was not an option to differentiate between the two realms, which is unfortunate because illusions tend to lose their power when they are identified as such, which is increasingly unfortunate because most things take this form.

Evading Mortality

The words, memories, work, knowledge, inconvenient discovery filled steps: are they all deemed futile upon death? From a materialistic outsiders perspective I can answer in the affirmative. All of this depends on the person of course. Here I am speaking of a situation that was close to my heart. A relational entity who was tortured internally and imprisoned externally. The sort of death that was both abrupt yet ominous.

Everything about death is confusing. To die seems like such a fucking waste of time and energy. We go through this existence and pain and moments of joy. And we labor and brood, and read; we educate ourselves learn how to love and make love and cry and mend other people’s ravaged emotions; and we dedicate ourselves to pursuits, labor to get somewhere else, and strive toward our ideals. Then come the long sleep of death, and the long comatose of those trying to interpret it. They cease to exist and all that they have done will never come close to being remembered by history, or even relatives. The complexity that is us rapidly dwindles away in to nothing, leaving behind tainted memories and contrived representations.

We die wrong because we conceive of death wrong. We conceive of death wrong because it is important that a significant fraction of people lead unintentional lives.

We have built a society that would suit the immortal.  Nothing about this topic makes sense to me, or to anyone. I think my life will be better lived if I maintain a consistent sense of mortality. Why am I hoarding all of this shit if in an hour I haphazardly cross the street and get crushed by a vehicle? Why pour over this dry, relatively useless, literature if an aneurism deems the working aspects of my brain useless in a month? Why labor at an enduringly frustrating irredeeming job if any number of circumstances collude to take me out, in say, a year. Thinking about mortality alters everything. Thinking about the looming for-certain-probability of death alters perspective without hesitation.

I think we have been sold a nebulous notion of immortality that enables us to engage in the garbage that other people don’t want to. We are provided a false sense of time, to waste time doing shit that will mean nothing when the body we used erodes in to  the ecology of permanence.